Asexuality & psychoanalysis

“I had an amazing session with my new vibe last night,” Beth dropped in casually, cigarette in hand. “It’s the bullet, you know? Who would have known that such a small thing could be so powerful! After Bob, I may never go back to men again.” “Aww is that what you call him – if indeed it is a him?” I asked. “No dear, Bob as in Battery Operated Boyfriend!” Beth said placing a hand on my leg which clearly said ‘there, there, they will be here soon’. “Oh,” I said inwardly kicking myself for being so oblivious and slow on the uptake. “My power shower has always been good enough for me,” I said attempting to make a quick recovery. “That’s because you’re easy!” Anna giggled as I made a playful swing for her head. “Talking about never going back to men again I’ve decided to become asexual,” Anna announced matter-of-factly. “Anna, you know I love you, but you are really, very weird,” Beth said catching my eye in a knowing look. “Shut up you! Look I’ve researched it and all the characteristics fit me down to a tea. It says you have a few close friends who you tell everything to and cannot imagine having such a close relationship with a sexual partner – check. Also, you can never imagine committing yourself to a long-term relationship and staying faithful to one person - check. And you would prefer casual, meaningless affairs- check.” “That last one could quite easily describe Beth too!” I exclaimed, laughing. “I’ll have you know those days are behind me. I’m happily loved up thank you very much,” she retorted. “Well if you’re becoming asexual Anna, then I’m running away to a convent to become a nun,” I announced.

We might come across as a couple of man-haters, Anna and I, but we’re not really, honest. We completely value the uses that men can provide i.e. sex, I suppose. Perhaps it is our poor relationship history that has developed such a depressing outlook. Anna tends to opt for the home-wrecking approach, preying on men who are totally unavailable and breaking down their current relationship. When she has snared them she typically becomes bored in the first couple of weeks and proceeds to dump them. See, Anna values her independence above or else and becomes decidedly claustrophobic when tied down to another person. I advise prospective boyfriends not to call her too frequently or check what she’s up to and restrict seeing her to a max of once a week. I guess it’s the whole thrill of the chase argument – aren’t we all prone to it!

My lack of success with men can largely be put down to poor judgement on my part. You see a favourite No Doubt lyric of mine could have been modelled on me: when Gwen asks, ‘Why do the good girls always go for the bad boys?’ I totally relate. You meet a bad boy, get drawn in helplessly, begin destructive relationship, he breaks your heart; you mend slowly before the cycle begins again. It all sounds hopelessly sad & tragic, but then why does it happen so often to the strong woman in today’s society. Are we all just hopeless in love or is it because we are afraid of waiting for one of the nice, decent guys to come along? I think it’s because when I find ‘nice’, I read boring! So perhaps Anna and I aren’t all that different and I’m seeking thrills in my own way.

The current guy I’m totally hung up on isn’t particularly rock & roll: there are no piercings, tattoos, motorbikes or criminal records. However, he does enjoy the look on my face when he describes poo fetish porn, he wees up my neighbours wall (not that this is much of a problem other than the principle as I don't particularly like said neighbour anyway!), he writes explicit messages on the roof of my car which I wake up to in the morning & can never quite remember how they got there, drinks vodka red bulls like they are going out of fashion, inappropriately grinds with the entire club and then in the hot tub the following morning drops his shorts to discuss whether or not he should get his back, sack & crack waxed. At this I point out that he is in need of it! Yet, despite all of this, I'm drawn in helplessly. I guess the ‘nice-but-completely-boring’ bloke always turns out to be much better friend potential. Don’t get me wrong I have attempted this approach to wean myself off the bad apples, but this has always been met with disastrous results. My guilt issues and I tend to string out the relationship for a painful couple of nauseating months just because I feel bad for the poor bloke.

Anna once tried to tell me that she believed all my relationships were built on guilt, friendships included. Now there’s a great piece of psycho-analysis for you. “Take Heather, for example,” she began to explain to me, “You are still trying to make up for the fact that you supposedly bullied her in Junior School. We never gave her that invitation to our birthday party, remember? Here you are years later hanging onto that friendship just to make amends.” “What a complete load of crap!” I protested although a little nagging voice in the back of my head was telling me different, “We are both still great friends with Heather after all these years and its nothing to do with what happened in Junior school.” Anna raised an eyebrow (something which, in itself, irritates me as I’ve never been able to achieve it even after years of practising in front of the mirror whilst applying mascara which, thinking about it, is a potentially dangerous feat in itself!) “Alright then, what about that day when she completely went nuts at you back in college. Didn’t that make you feel slightly bad and secretly wanting to make it all right again?” She gave me a knowing smile. This is the annoying thing about a best friend who knows you inside out, better in fact than you probably know yourself; she has a habit of being invariably right.