Ah family - you've got to love them

So I attended the marriage of some distant relation (a second cousin twice removed or sumthin) to a guy who I've never met before in a town which is in the bak of beyond - I mean wot cud be more fun than that?? Not a lot actually if you have one crack-pot family. As soon as the free bucks fizz & champers start flowing all hell breaks loose!

For starters theres the welsh aunt who looks like the cleaning lady Aggie off of Kim & Aggie onli blown up with a bicycle pump. She cackles like a witch & drinks like a fish. Once shes knocked bak 10 pints she hits the dance floor like a crazed woman head swinging hips shaking (I wud use the word gyrating but it makes me feel a little bit nauseous) truly believing as Abba sings that she is 'the dancing queen.'

Also theres a crazed uncle who rushes off in the middle of the reception because he gets a call on his mobile that theres been a spotting of a rare bird (yes of the feathered variety) at the other end of the country. No1 is surprised that this man can't hold down a relationship. Rather shockingly he did marry once to Gislayne whose maiden name was Fluck. She liked her friends to call her Gizee, as in Gizee Fluck - in all seriousness! Wow, just wow.

Then theres the friend of the groom who requests Bryan Adams summer of 69 (much to the wedding DJs delight). He must have desparately wanted to be in a rock band in his youth as he head bangs & air guitars the entire way through. I am just in awe as I clutch at my head making sure its still firmly attached - if I attempt it even to a chorus in a very un-hardcore way I'd give myself a nose bleed.

Then theres the cousin who relates his entire sob story over lunch. It turns out his ex has just had a little boy but hes not sure if the baby is his. Yet he is still forking out a fortune in maintenance - a paternity test follows. . .It reads like a script of eastenders. His new woman who is sat next to him looks old enoff to be his mother & also has a ring through her nose (perhaps not so like her mother afta all) looks highly unimpressed throughout this sorry tale & looks as if she wud quite like to drill a bolt through my nose as well as I try & disguise my laugwith my napkin. Maybe she was turning her pierced nose up as it looked quite like I'd just spat something into it!

Amazing scenes

Well, hey there 2008!

So, last year the number of resolutions I kept = 0 therefore I have decided to stick to the same resolutions for this year & see if I fare any better! My progress on these resolutions may follow.

My friend & I have also come up with a new theory that how attracted we are to a guy depends on our dominant sense. For me its smell & for her its taste. It seems I have this very odd habbit of sniffing something before I try it this applies to drink, food oh & men! Experience has taught me that I am most attracted to a soapy 'I have just been washed' smell - strange but true! New year also taught me that I find the smell of beer & stale smoke also highly attractive. For my friend its how a guy tastes if you get my drift. I have to say I've never 'tasted' a guy as such maybe this is because I have never pulled a bloke tasting of anything really repugnent (good word must use this more in everyday conversation) like fish or curries or just generally really bad breath! Apparently the taste of beer makes her wanna gag. Note to men: always carry gum. Maybe my attraction to the clean smell bodes me well in this sense that I always end up with sum1 hu looks after themselves - see the senses look after the other senses uh huh. Its a theory that works for us anyway: so wots your dominant sense??

So it was a good new year definitely topping my new years to date. Having said that this is no difficult feat as last year was spent in a french ski resort bar watchin french porn on a wide screen tele (No - really!) which was quite odd as upon enetering surrounded by neon signs I thought I was in a gay bar - obviously not! Is it commonplace to play porn in bars in France? I haven't visited enough to pass judgement. It was kind of intrigueing at first I'm not gonna lie but then the cheapness started to make me feel a bit nauseous. Is it normal to get porn flash backs as well eurgh gag!

Friends forever?

At what point do you realise that you can no longer call someone a friend? Is it when it dawns on you that you no longer have much in common? Or when you realise that you have drifted so far apart that you have turned into two completely different people, with different ideas on how to have a good time. Is it time to call it a day when she downs her body weight in Sambuca, jumps on the nearest thing with a penis & then trys to get involved in a fight. Perhaps its when she expects you to be the one to drag her semi-conscious, intoxicated body into a taxi after a night of irresponsible drinking on her part & that you do it, but only begrudgingly. Or maybe its when it strikes you that she is only going to turn into her mother who encourages you to go out when you are underage and then asks her daughter if shes had a good night as she is throwing up the entire contents of her stomach in the bathroom sink. Is it when you can justify borrowing money from her purse for your train fare home in the morning before she wakes up knowing full well that she is not going to have memory of how much she spent the previous night.
Hmm. . .I think I've made my choice anyway.

Thought of the day: "In matters of no consequence swim with the current but in matters of principal stand like a rock."

Anything for a bit of drama in my life?

I just found out that a girl I used to know well has upped & left this country to start a new life in Australia. After some really bad stuff happened to her - her Dad tried to commit suicide after her Mum said that she was going to leave him and as a result my friend suffered from depression & insomnia (it was all very nasty stuff) - she decided to cut all ties, dropped out of college & now has dreadlocks & is living in a mud hut just outside of Sydney - no word of a lie! Now thats what I call an amzing life-changing decision to have that courage just to start all over again.

I used to wonder why nothing radical ever happened in my life. Sure I'm happy, but nothing dramatic ever happens to me. . .until the other night that is. I had just watched a show in the city centre with a friend & we were looking for sumwhere to eat at about 10:30. Suddenly we are approached by a couple the man crosses over the road, but the woman carries on towards us. My friend whispers that she hopes she isn't headed in our direction. Suddenly she shouts to me 'You accused my brother of raping you, you slut.' Now I don't no if this was a case of drunken mistaken identity or if she was simply looking for a fight, but I'd never seen this woman before in my life. Before I even had time to utter my protests she had grabbed me by the hair and flung me against the wall. Luckily the friend I was with is an athlete & a but of a gym bunny. She managed to pull the woman off me at which point the woman then turned on her. I kept shouting at her to just walk away as i tried to get her away from my firned. My friend managed to hit her round the head with her car keys at which point we hurried away very shaken by what had just happened.

I was shocked because when I'm out I'm always particularly wary of groups of men - I'd never have expected a woman to act in that way. More shocking was the fact that the man she was with sat on the other side of the road just watching her attack us. He made no attempt to intervene or try & restrain her. I think you could definitely say I've learnt my lesson - Big world + little me = as much drama as I can handle!

Changing rooms

Just what exactly is 'Feng Shui?' Its a question I asked myself when it came to decorating my room recently. Id heard mention of it in all these celebrity magazines (for example Madonna wud be Feng Shui-ing her english mansion whilst meditating in this weeks favourite yoga position and playing with her Kabbalah beads) without fully ever understanding what it meant. So I decided to run it past Wikipedia (an absolute God-send of a website especially when it cums 2 essay writing). The given definittion of Feng shui was as follows:

Feng shui, pronounced in English as "fung shway" is the ancient chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment. The literal translation is "wind and water".

Whilst the idea of achiveing harmony with my environment is quite appealing I'm quite sceptical as to whether this can be achieve through different combos of arrangin my bed & other furniture. So, I decided to take the more mainstream approach of turning to Dulux.com after being enticed by there fabulous (as in fabulous darling said in my best-camp-interior-designer-a-la-Justin-&-Colin voice) adverts. Did you know you can take a colour chemistry quiz to find out what colour you are in order that you can then decorate your room to reflect your personality - neat huh?!

Apparently I'm an Urban experimentalist! Just from asking 6 questions Dulux.com claims it has revealed by entire personality! It says:
Sunny and gregarious you have the confidence that comes from not being afraid to be yourself. You are always up to date with trends and fashion. Just like your wardrobe, you see your home as the perfect canvas to express your personality and sense of style.

It didnt give me many colour schemes tips tho unfortunately & i found myself swamped & rather intimidated by the shear number of colour charts. My latest situation is that my window has been fitted, the plasterer is coming round next weekend, my furniture has been delivered & yet im still without a colour scheme. So, any budding interior designers floating around in cyber space?? I'd very much love any kind of inspiration!