Ah family - you've got to love them

So I attended the marriage of some distant relation (a second cousin twice removed or sumthin) to a guy who I've never met before in a town which is in the bak of beyond - I mean wot cud be more fun than that?? Not a lot actually if you have one crack-pot family. As soon as the free bucks fizz & champers start flowing all hell breaks loose!

For starters theres the welsh aunt who looks like the cleaning lady Aggie off of Kim & Aggie onli blown up with a bicycle pump. She cackles like a witch & drinks like a fish. Once shes knocked bak 10 pints she hits the dance floor like a crazed woman head swinging hips shaking (I wud use the word gyrating but it makes me feel a little bit nauseous) truly believing as Abba sings that she is 'the dancing queen.'

Also theres a crazed uncle who rushes off in the middle of the reception because he gets a call on his mobile that theres been a spotting of a rare bird (yes of the feathered variety) at the other end of the country. No1 is surprised that this man can't hold down a relationship. Rather shockingly he did marry once to Gislayne whose maiden name was Fluck. She liked her friends to call her Gizee, as in Gizee Fluck - in all seriousness! Wow, just wow.

Then theres the friend of the groom who requests Bryan Adams summer of 69 (much to the wedding DJs delight). He must have desparately wanted to be in a rock band in his youth as he head bangs & air guitars the entire way through. I am just in awe as I clutch at my head making sure its still firmly attached - if I attempt it even to a chorus in a very un-hardcore way I'd give myself a nose bleed.

Then theres the cousin who relates his entire sob story over lunch. It turns out his ex has just had a little boy but hes not sure if the baby is his. Yet he is still forking out a fortune in maintenance - a paternity test follows. . .It reads like a script of eastenders. His new woman who is sat next to him looks old enoff to be his mother & also has a ring through her nose (perhaps not so like her mother afta all) looks highly unimpressed throughout this sorry tale & looks as if she wud quite like to drill a bolt through my nose as well as I try & disguise my laugwith my napkin. Maybe she was turning her pierced nose up as it looked quite like I'd just spat something into it!

Amazing scenes