in which my friends discuss the merits of erotic shaving!

Mya: So. . . last night i tried that "let your boyfried shave your pubes because its sensual" thing - think that famous Samantha scene from sex and the city - and it just really wasnt what i expected. it is not as sensual as they make out and it is not attractive. i would not recommend it. he shaved my legs which was nice but the fanny is a no no.

Crystal: Errmmm Mya wtf?!! On which hardcore chinese porn site (Mya is half-Chinese and allows these kind of mildy racist comments from her friends) did you read that assisted pube shaving was hot?

Heather: I have to say I've heard this rumour too & was a little curious, I'm glad one of us has tried it - & that someone wasn't me - so we can all safely say its a no go zone

Crystal: But where were you Mya, in you room? I only feel it is our right to now get all the details. . . yeah were u standing or lying down? was there a sponge or did you dry shave? im really confused how this whole thing worked out. was there any shaving cuts? was witch hazel used?

Mya: ok we were in the bath so it was a wet shave and shaving foam was used errrrm i was kinda like on top of him with my vag facing him, kinda sat on his tummy (was quite comfy) one cut was made but it didnt hurt hahah...no witch hazel. on the shaving front it was a huge sucess as i hadnt shaved for a week (period week) but on the sexy front its a noo im afriad.

errm im gonna say in the shower would be easier...i shaved his balls too (cos i dont like hairy balls)
it was an interesting night im not gonna lie! hahaha

Crystal: Christ Mya, i just dont no what the feck to say. i find balls very offensive - Dixon sent me a photo of his balls yesterday to quote 'cheer me up and make me laugh'. i was utterly mortified as you can imagine.

Mya: i hate balls but i hate them more when they are hairy!! so i resolved the problem haha.

Heather: embrace balls, they'll make giving head a far shorter experiance.

Crystal: it's strange how many boys shave thier pubes these days isnt it

Briony: to be honest everytime I get with a guy now I dnt even notice them I'm far too drunk haha Hmm this seriously probably means I have a drinking problem

Crystal: Apparently its only london boys that shave their pubes. But dammmn it looks quite good?

Heather: nono Sam (the rich Jewish boyfriend) shaves his pubes too, its excellent, im with Crystal on this one.

Mya: i'm not down with shaving pubes (as you can imagine post bath incident!), i like a good trim and cleanly shaved balls but not full on shaven it doesnt look right. it looks like an angry snake or funny coloured elephant trunk.

Crystal: i really want to show you all Dixon's cock cos its shaven and i think THEN you will get what i mean. lets bare in mind ladies hes mix raced and hung like a horse

Briony: SEND IT!

Crystal: Oi i'l have no bean flicking over my man Briony I no wot your like!

Briony: haha its been so long since i have seen one in the flesh

Heather: But seriously why have I not seen this yet?? This seems like prime viewing...

Mya: I WANT TO SEE THE COOOOOOOCK

Crystal: Before you do I have to warn you that today over lunch he also told me he got circumsized at 16 after his girlfriend at the time got her tongue peircing caught in his foreskin and he litterally had to rip her face from it! I laughed so hard.. Briony's your banjo string stories all came flooding back. I'm excited to sample some circumsized cock, Heather I'm sure you could give me some Sam-based tips? Does it look weird? I want to google an image but I'm scared of what will come up...

Mya: hahaha, me and Briony have had this convo many a time and I DONT UNDERSTAND!

i cant figure out what it means, but i dont want to look!

Briony: i seem to remember Heather googling circumcised penises at my house while we were having a girls nite in watching xfactor - as you do - because we were so intrigued as to what one looked like!!

Heather: Sam's circumcised cock is LUSH!

(At this point Crystal goes ahead with the google search - not for the faint hearted!)

Crystal: 'diego' is packing!

Briony: don't click on it!!! its only going to get bigger! the picture that is. . & diego's member - horrific!

Mya: oh my actual god, thats nearly pushed me over the edge with the spewing right now. why the fuck is he sat like that??!! ("Diego" appears to be squatting in the image!) he looks like hes having a poo...

Briony: and, is this weird that i must be REALLY unobservant in life, because i swear i wud not have noticed it was any different. Must be that drinking problem again!

Bad timing

We all know that famous saying, 'Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars' which is why perhaps I choose to put up with some of my boyfriends more unsavoury habits. It's a fact of nature after all that men haven't evolved all that far from their primitive cavemen routes! I manage to look past the toe nail picking (at least he doesn't sit in the lounge eating them like one of my male ex-housemates!) and the farting but as long as I can set certain perimeters:

1) Try to minimise the farting when I'm around - he attempts to look sheepish after the event but I know that inside he is not-so-secretly quite proud
2) Try to aim for a well ventilated place - my boyfriend thought he was onto a winner when he would do it whenever I left the room until upon my return I was hit by a wall of odour
And 3) Definitely no farting in my bed! I'll have none of this cocking of the leg & sneakily lifting up the edge of the duvet cover to subtely waft in out - your covers blown & I'm on to you!

So with these few simple rules in place I was confident that I had my man well trained - or as well as can be expected at least! Little did I know that nothing can prepare you for a fart that squeaks out just as your man is cuming (I kid you not!) In the shock and sheer horror of the moment I did not know how to react - my immediate reaction was to laugh hysterically and roll about on the floor crying to myself. Scratch that, the supposed intimate 'poist-coital' moments are not ones for laughing at the expense of your partner. So, like a trooper, I sucked it up (not literally!) aligned my face so that it didn't give the game away, screwed my eyes up & gave him a little congratulatory kiss - for the sex, not for the ill-timed fart I'd like to add! As we pulled away I gave him a few moments to rearrange & sort himself out before we fell into the customary post-sex spoon. And at this point I couldn't hold it in any longer it started as a snicker, then a splutter and then I was gone. The poor guy - he knew it, I knew it, he had hoped for a few precious moments that he had got away with it, but no! His mortified face was enough to let me know that his farting etiquette would be improving from now on in order that he hoped this unfortunate tale would never have to surface again!

Crystal

She was argueably the alpha female of our coyote pack and we hung off every sequinned word that dripped from her. Raised by her single mother and her single mother's gay best friend with a hippy-dippy free love mantra there was no other path for her except to enter a world full of glitter, leopard print and fabulousness.

Queen of the image re-invention, there were not many of us who could recall the natural hair colour of this platinum pixie-bobbed diva. With her exotic brand of foundation always smelling strangely of peanut butter and her false eyelashes thick like hairy spider legs, she resembled one of those department store Clinique make-up counter girls who wore the entire range on a daily basis. . . only it appeared that she has slept in that same make-up for at least two days. Although her skin, as far as I remember, was a pearly, milky white, she always looked like a slightly grubby street urchin where last nights Sun Shimmer had left an imprint in another man's bed.

I would always flash forward several decades down the line to a perfectly clear image of her as an old brown leathery skinned woman with perfectly coiffed (with the help of a whole can of hairspray) peroxide beehive, her tiny frail frame drowned in a floor length fur (not faux fur - controversially, rather like Cruella De Vil, she never could understand why animals shouldn't be sacrificed for the sake of fashion) coat. A cigarette holder dangled from between her rouged lips pursed like two dry withered prunes. Her clawed hands again lacquered with red polish gripped a crystal glass full of a firy amber liquid which swirls dangerously as she totters in sky high heels cladding her sheer stockinged legs. Growing old gracefully was not at option for Crystal. . . go out drawing attention to oneself with an undignified bang or theres no point at all.

Sneezing into a kettle

My sneezes are the kind that creep up on me with no hint of a warning & are uncontrollable in both force & volume. They are the kind of sneezes which when they occur in public cause all people within a 50metre radius to turn round to see what has happened to cause such a noise disturbance. (I have only ever encountered one other person, in a queue at Thorpe Park incidentally, who I felt had a more embarassing sneeze than I. Her friends rolled their eyes - I knew how she felt!) I have tried so very hard to keep it in but when this happens I feel as if I'm going to puncture a lung or cause myself to have a hernia or some such other disagreable injury. . . so I figured I was best off after all just letting my sneeze out to the rest of the world to say hello.

So it was one such typical sneeze that crept up on me the other day when I was making my best friend a cup of coffee (we were just about to head out you see on a night out & she was going to drive us in and was therefore replacing alcohol with my strongest blend of coffee). There was nowhere to hide & nowhere to turn so sneeze I must right into the depths of the kettle. And there I stood horrifired, all manner of particles clearly just having flown from my mouth into the water that I was about to boil & pour into a coffee to serve my friend. I giggled to myself more out of panic than anything. I did not know if the boiling process would remove all of my sprayed germs but I hoped that it would. So I tipped out the contaminated water, filled that kettle again, boiled away all evidence and secretly hoped for the best as I handed over the brew.

the unfortunate (sex less) existence of my cat

My cat has been the recipient of more affection today than she is used to as I think she has been in some kind of a scrap or picked up an infection as she can't open her right eye (hmm, this may require some specialist attention!). Her current sorry state got me thinking that she really is a rather unfortunate creature. She was a rescue cat & was taken away from her mother at an early age & as such when we got her she used to suckle on this fluffy nightdress I used to own as a child as if it was her mother. Then there's the fact that she has been subjected to the same flavour of Iam's cat food every day since we got her & I think this has driven the poor girl into the depths of dementia as recently she seems to forget that she has just been out will wonder round the house aimlessly before returning to the door to be let out. Or maybe. . .

. . this is all to fill the large void in her life as we hav deprived her of children. I'm no animal activist but it's all rather strange that if a woman finds out she is unable to conceive children then this is a life changing moment which has a massive impact. Yet we take this away from our pets as an everyday occurence. I recognise the need to control the cat & dog population we wouldn't want them taking over the world after all would we! but the poor thing doesn't even have it explained to her. She just falls asleep & when she wakes up she can't hav children if it were you you wud feel violated. And she must know after all. . ..

And does newtering (shes a girl - does this word apply?!) also take away sex drive?? I no you get the randy dogs who hump legs, or cushions or anything that moves but you don't really hear about horny cats do you. I reckon my cat would want to be a horny devil given the chance. She's a ginger female - very rare we were told - so apparently in the cat word ginger doesn't hold the same stigmatism! But is she now simply unphased by all those prospective bachelor cats out there, couldn't care less about the opposite sex or does she mourn the loss of being a mother. . . how sad :( Perhaps she doesn't keep loitering round the back door to be let out AGAIN because she's lost her marbles, she's simply trying to fill the times & the void in her life left by lack of sex & children!

In the future I think I would like to keep a cat or dog of my own but to let them have their full childbearing potential. I would also quite like a cleaner please (just an after thought!).

the milestone

The other day I reached a milestone in my latest relationship & it wasn't the first kiss, first time we had sex, 3 month anniversary kind of milestone. No, it was the first & hopefully last time he had walked in on me on the toilet - naked (i wud like to take this oppurtunity to explain that I was about to shower & therefore had removed my clothing - obviously)

Anyway he simply surveyed the scene in front of him before shuffling out backwards to my exclamation of 'OH!' those kind of guilty sounds that escape your mouth without you meaning them to. As the door swiftly closed and I lept after it to bolt the door fast all I could do was stand there horrified & feeling slightly violated!

I ran the shower & stood beneath the jet of water considering what angle to take with this. Should I:-

a) pretend it never happened & live on peacefully in ignorant bliss

b) avoid each other in awkward silence & see if he has the balls to address this most embarassing of subjects

or c) launch into an angry tirade ranting about lack of privacy

Never one to shy away from anything I went for a slightly toned down version of option see. So stepping out of the bathroom my towel wrapped around me I re-entered the bedroom where my boyfriend was perched on the end of the bed.

"You are a terrible boyfriend!" I exclaimed trying to make light of the subject, "What has a girl got to do to get a little privacy around here?" He held his hands up - an innocent gesture trying to ward off my attack, "I thought you were just in the shower & was coming in to surprise you. But don't worry, I still fancy you," he teased, but he had this wide-eyed look in his eye. "OH!" (there it was again escaping like that). . I buried my face in my hands wondering if he would keep getting random flash backs to that hideous hideous image of me.

I wondered if we would ever be able to get past this, if I would be paranoid that he would always be picturing me naked on the toilet for heavens sake!!! When I recounted my tale to a friend she was anything but concerned. "I think you reach that point in your relationship when you just feel completely comfortable around each other," she told me (she's been with her boyfriend for over 3 years). "I'll often be cleaning my teeth when Jim's on the toilet, or he will come in & chat to me when I'm on the toilet."

I think my expression gave the game away, I'm not sure I'll ever reach that point in a relationship where I would be happy for either my partner or myself to be present when the other is on the toilet. Some things should just be kept strictly to yourself, am I right?

Beard cream

As a result of a rather unfortunate fainting incident - long story - I have a long pink scar along my jaw bone on the right side of my face. My friends still make the 'harvey two face' and standard 'Chin up!' jokes - it's been long enough now that I can laugh. . . . just haha! It also has a rather nasty lump bit which didnt heal too well as there was a flap of skin which was too thin to be stitched, or so the rather hunky A&E doctor told me! When my mother first saw if she almost has a fit claiming it obviously hadn't been done properly & that I needed to consult someone regarding plastic surgery. I told her she was being silly & that I was going to have any form of unecessary surgery especially on my face! Anyway since then she hasn't really let in drop & has been coming up with all sorts of scar improvement suggestions.

My Nan has also obviously caught a whiff of the situation & her solution was to give me this funky yellow coloured cream in a tupperware pot that smells of old people. . . she claims she got in from her poor dear infirm, also elderly friend, she cleans for. She claims its a miracle scar cure - the only catch is that its apparently illegal in this country! so this woman's daughter brought it bak for her wen she went on holiday (probably to thailand or asia or sumwhere!!!!). . . . the BIG question is should I risk putting it on my face?!!! bearing in my nan rang earlier & i asked her how often i shud put it on so she rung up her friend & then rang me bak. Her answer was only ONCE a day & only a thin layer as (this is in her own words. . .) 'we don't want you growing a beard do we!' - you can see why i'm a little dubious!