Confessions of a wannabe call girl

In one of those deep & meaningful chats that so often crop up between my best girlfriend & myself we laid out our future life plan. If my choice of degree course fails & as a graduate of musical theatre, she finds herself without work we plan to start up our own escort service. I think we use the word escort to make it seem all the more above board - i guess escort to prostitute is what exotic dancer is to stripper. Surprisingly (or i guess not if you think about it) prostitution is legal in this country altho advertising your services is not hmm. . . im sure there is sum kind of corner we can cut there! & yes we have dun our research! Our reasoning is our morals aren't all that high after all & the money is fantastic. We will buy a flat (boudeiour!) in London conduct the business from there & live in the lap of luxury - sounds easy doesn't it. I guess thats minus the drugs, potential danger from customers & health risks. Trouble is all the media potrayal of escorts recently has promoted the sex industry - i mean who wudnt want to be Billie Piper from 'confessions of a call girl' she looked damn hot in it. Well who doesn't have a back up plan/ Plan B for if everything goes tits up in life - this is ours.

Dude, where's my 'fro?

My chief grievance today has been 'the do' - it was wot cud be described as a very bad hair day. You see the problem is at the slightest hint of moisture in the air my hair turns poker straight, flat & lifeless. Most people tell me they have the opposite problem & their do's are the product of hours of ironing. Im over straight hair-envy wot i'm looking for is a bit of va va voom. Wot I want above all else in the hair stakes is to have an afro for the day, just the day this is all I ask. Then I could bounce around with my curls with perhaps one of those funky coloured combs portruding at a jaunty little angle. Perhaps even a little sparrow might come & nest within then my hair would be truly satisfied!

Totally tea room

You might say that we are old before our time but Anna & I love nothing more than to spend our lunch break in this little tea room round the corner from where we work - & yes it just happens to be located in the City Museum thnkyoo very much! It doesn't bother us that the average age of a tea room dweller is probably approaching the BIG 90. They do tea & 2 slices of toast for £1.20 for God's sake & I haven't even begun to describe the size of the cake portions! The fact of the matter is we love our food - its a sad state of affairs wen u realise u wud much rather spend a tenner on a realli great meal than that fab pair of shoes. The shoes will only be worn once after all & then discarded to the very bak of the wardrobe as you realise you can't manage more than a few steps wearing them. It's probably this shared outlook & understanding that makes us so close! Oh & our joint ambition to sneak into a 'classic hollywood' OAP screening at our local cinema. I mean wot with the reduced ticket price, intermission (!) & free tea & biscuits at half time - who could turn down this oppurtunity?

It was not until we invited James a male work colleague to our weekly tea room outing that we realised that maybe this behaviour wasn't strictly the norm! He looked on half in amazement half in amusement as we sipped our tea with our little finger stuck out & sat there rather quietly gazing around in horror at the framed pictures of fluffy cats, the tea room lady bustling round in her pinny & the distinctly overpowering smell of lavender. "I didn't realise you were such ladies" he exclaimed & yes i'd like to think that attending a tea room brings about a certain sophistication in oneself!

the list that condemns me to be eaten by alsations!

Against my better judgement I've decided to begin a baby name list which has perhaps been prompted by the recent broody feelings I get when looking at any child under the age of five - maybe its that biological clock they talk bout kicking in & ticking very loudly in the background. I believe there to be a great deal of stigma attached to list of these kinds - I mean what scares most men shitless more than baby talk (aside from commitment of course, but for them babies & commitment probably go hand in hand & are difficult issues to separate!) So by writing such a list I have probably codemned myself to be a lonely spinster all my life with only my many fluffy cats for company or maybe in a bridget jones style paranoia I will die alone & then be eaten by alsations.
Alas such a list probably curses you to be barren all your life but hey lets throw caution to the wind, here goes. .

Girls:

1. Eevie
2. Ava
3. Kial
4. Lilly
5. Sorayah

Boys:

1. Kiefer
2. Guy
3. Kit
4. Flynn
5. Isaac

bless the old man he's finally past it!

I just had one of those horrible life-changing moments (well possibly not that drastic but you get the idea!). I've just come to realise my parents are getting on a bit, perhaps this hasn't been such a sudden change & i just chosen to ignore the blatant truth. You see the thing is there pace is slowing rather of late! In my dad in particular I have detected the premature ageing signs, for instance:

• He ties a carrier bag to the gearstick of his car to act as a bin for any rubbish that might be floating around. He also collects paper napkins from restaurants to keep in the glove compartment err. . . in case of a spillage?
• He has developed a very odd fetish for arranging the dish washer & won't let any1 else touch it just so he can fit that extra plate in. In fact he does the same thing with the freezer - very odd!
• He falls asleep on the sofa before 8 in the evenings & proceeds to snore before being battered over the head by my mother with a plumped up cushion
• He completes the puzzle section of the times every sunday morning (having sed that my sister plays sudoku for fun I hope this isn't a genetic family trait!)
• Before he purchases anything e.g. a holiday or a set of tiles for the new bathroom, he has to complete a spreadsheet comparing the market just to get the best deal. This would be all well & good if the process didnt take months by which time the spreadsheet prices are all out of date anyway! And by the way hasn't he heard they have websites that do that kind of thing for you

Hmm. . . I thought old age was supposed to make you go senile, not anal!

I'm in a relationship with a little yellow rubber man

Plus points:

• He isn't needy or clingy & he doesn't call you at every oppurtunity just to find out what you're up to - in fact he plays hard to get
• He's a great listener & his eyes won't glaze over even after an hour of ranting (- it was something realli important you had to get off your chest!)
• He always makes time for you when you most need him
• He doesn't protest when you flick the football over to watch Grey's Anatomy
• He doesn't have a beer belly & his toes are hair free
• He won't screw you over or break your heart
• You can stretch his arms & legs really far which is strangely quite therapeutic
• I get to share him with my best friend & our 3some isn't awkward