in which my friends discuss the merits of erotic shaving!

Mya: So. . . last night i tried that "let your boyfried shave your pubes because its sensual" thing - think that famous Samantha scene from sex and the city - and it just really wasnt what i expected. it is not as sensual as they make out and it is not attractive. i would not recommend it. he shaved my legs which was nice but the fanny is a no no.

Crystal: Errmmm Mya wtf?!! On which hardcore chinese porn site (Mya is half-Chinese and allows these kind of mildy racist comments from her friends) did you read that assisted pube shaving was hot?

Heather: I have to say I've heard this rumour too & was a little curious, I'm glad one of us has tried it - & that someone wasn't me - so we can all safely say its a no go zone

Crystal: But where were you Mya, in you room? I only feel it is our right to now get all the details. . . yeah were u standing or lying down? was there a sponge or did you dry shave? im really confused how this whole thing worked out. was there any shaving cuts? was witch hazel used?

Mya: ok we were in the bath so it was a wet shave and shaving foam was used errrrm i was kinda like on top of him with my vag facing him, kinda sat on his tummy (was quite comfy) one cut was made but it didnt hurt hahah...no witch hazel. on the shaving front it was a huge sucess as i hadnt shaved for a week (period week) but on the sexy front its a noo im afriad.

errm im gonna say in the shower would be easier...i shaved his balls too (cos i dont like hairy balls)
it was an interesting night im not gonna lie! hahaha

Crystal: Christ Mya, i just dont no what the feck to say. i find balls very offensive - Dixon sent me a photo of his balls yesterday to quote 'cheer me up and make me laugh'. i was utterly mortified as you can imagine.

Mya: i hate balls but i hate them more when they are hairy!! so i resolved the problem haha.

Heather: embrace balls, they'll make giving head a far shorter experiance.

Crystal: it's strange how many boys shave thier pubes these days isnt it

Briony: to be honest everytime I get with a guy now I dnt even notice them I'm far too drunk haha Hmm this seriously probably means I have a drinking problem

Crystal: Apparently its only london boys that shave their pubes. But dammmn it looks quite good?

Heather: nono Sam (the rich Jewish boyfriend) shaves his pubes too, its excellent, im with Crystal on this one.

Mya: i'm not down with shaving pubes (as you can imagine post bath incident!), i like a good trim and cleanly shaved balls but not full on shaven it doesnt look right. it looks like an angry snake or funny coloured elephant trunk.

Crystal: i really want to show you all Dixon's cock cos its shaven and i think THEN you will get what i mean. lets bare in mind ladies hes mix raced and hung like a horse

Briony: SEND IT!

Crystal: Oi i'l have no bean flicking over my man Briony I no wot your like!

Briony: haha its been so long since i have seen one in the flesh

Heather: But seriously why have I not seen this yet?? This seems like prime viewing...

Mya: I WANT TO SEE THE COOOOOOOCK

Crystal: Before you do I have to warn you that today over lunch he also told me he got circumsized at 16 after his girlfriend at the time got her tongue peircing caught in his foreskin and he litterally had to rip her face from it! I laughed so hard.. Briony's your banjo string stories all came flooding back. I'm excited to sample some circumsized cock, Heather I'm sure you could give me some Sam-based tips? Does it look weird? I want to google an image but I'm scared of what will come up...

Mya: hahaha, me and Briony have had this convo many a time and I DONT UNDERSTAND!

i cant figure out what it means, but i dont want to look!

Briony: i seem to remember Heather googling circumcised penises at my house while we were having a girls nite in watching xfactor - as you do - because we were so intrigued as to what one looked like!!

Heather: Sam's circumcised cock is LUSH!

(At this point Crystal goes ahead with the google search - not for the faint hearted!)

Crystal: 'diego' is packing!

Briony: don't click on it!!! its only going to get bigger! the picture that is. . & diego's member - horrific!

Mya: oh my actual god, thats nearly pushed me over the edge with the spewing right now. why the fuck is he sat like that??!! ("Diego" appears to be squatting in the image!) he looks like hes having a poo...

Briony: and, is this weird that i must be REALLY unobservant in life, because i swear i wud not have noticed it was any different. Must be that drinking problem again!

Bad timing

We all know that famous saying, 'Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars' which is why perhaps I choose to put up with some of my boyfriends more unsavoury habits. It's a fact of nature after all that men haven't evolved all that far from their primitive cavemen routes! I manage to look past the toe nail picking (at least he doesn't sit in the lounge eating them like one of my male ex-housemates!) and the farting but as long as I can set certain perimeters:

1) Try to minimise the farting when I'm around - he attempts to look sheepish after the event but I know that inside he is not-so-secretly quite proud
2) Try to aim for a well ventilated place - my boyfriend thought he was onto a winner when he would do it whenever I left the room until upon my return I was hit by a wall of odour
And 3) Definitely no farting in my bed! I'll have none of this cocking of the leg & sneakily lifting up the edge of the duvet cover to subtely waft in out - your covers blown & I'm on to you!

So with these few simple rules in place I was confident that I had my man well trained - or as well as can be expected at least! Little did I know that nothing can prepare you for a fart that squeaks out just as your man is cuming (I kid you not!) In the shock and sheer horror of the moment I did not know how to react - my immediate reaction was to laugh hysterically and roll about on the floor crying to myself. Scratch that, the supposed intimate 'poist-coital' moments are not ones for laughing at the expense of your partner. So, like a trooper, I sucked it up (not literally!) aligned my face so that it didn't give the game away, screwed my eyes up & gave him a little congratulatory kiss - for the sex, not for the ill-timed fart I'd like to add! As we pulled away I gave him a few moments to rearrange & sort himself out before we fell into the customary post-sex spoon. And at this point I couldn't hold it in any longer it started as a snicker, then a splutter and then I was gone. The poor guy - he knew it, I knew it, he had hoped for a few precious moments that he had got away with it, but no! His mortified face was enough to let me know that his farting etiquette would be improving from now on in order that he hoped this unfortunate tale would never have to surface again!

Crystal

She was argueably the alpha female of our coyote pack and we hung off every sequinned word that dripped from her. Raised by her single mother and her single mother's gay best friend with a hippy-dippy free love mantra there was no other path for her except to enter a world full of glitter, leopard print and fabulousness.

Queen of the image re-invention, there were not many of us who could recall the natural hair colour of this platinum pixie-bobbed diva. With her exotic brand of foundation always smelling strangely of peanut butter and her false eyelashes thick like hairy spider legs, she resembled one of those department store Clinique make-up counter girls who wore the entire range on a daily basis. . . only it appeared that she has slept in that same make-up for at least two days. Although her skin, as far as I remember, was a pearly, milky white, she always looked like a slightly grubby street urchin where last nights Sun Shimmer had left an imprint in another man's bed.

I would always flash forward several decades down the line to a perfectly clear image of her as an old brown leathery skinned woman with perfectly coiffed (with the help of a whole can of hairspray) peroxide beehive, her tiny frail frame drowned in a floor length fur (not faux fur - controversially, rather like Cruella De Vil, she never could understand why animals shouldn't be sacrificed for the sake of fashion) coat. A cigarette holder dangled from between her rouged lips pursed like two dry withered prunes. Her clawed hands again lacquered with red polish gripped a crystal glass full of a firy amber liquid which swirls dangerously as she totters in sky high heels cladding her sheer stockinged legs. Growing old gracefully was not at option for Crystal. . . go out drawing attention to oneself with an undignified bang or theres no point at all.