Big boys don't cry

One of my most uncomfortable experiences to date was listening to a best friends boyfriend hysterically sobbing down the fone to her this morning. Basically she had ended it with him the previous evening because some innapropriate fotos of him with another girl were found on the internet. He was literally beside himself - horrible, just horrible.
This doesn't mean I'm some cold hearted witch who is against guys expressing their emotions. I actually find it quite endearing when a bloke sheds a little tear at the end of a sad film & then tries to disguise the sniffing under the pretence of a cold or hayfever. But my tolerance will only stretch so far - crying after sex for example: just creepy. During sports as well crying is totally unacceptable. There can be none of this tearing up because you've just sustained a carrer threatening injury i.e. just received a little kick. Take it like a man & suck it up, shake it off & get bak out there!
There is just something distinctly feminine about sobbing & wailing which I think should be kept separate from the male population as a whole if only to maintain face!

Ah family - you've got to love them

So I attended the marriage of some distant relation (a second cousin twice removed or sumthin) to a guy who I've never met before in a town which is in the bak of beyond - I mean wot cud be more fun than that?? Not a lot actually if you have one crack-pot family. As soon as the free bucks fizz & champers start flowing all hell breaks loose!

For starters theres the welsh aunt who looks like the cleaning lady Aggie off of Kim & Aggie onli blown up with a bicycle pump. She cackles like a witch & drinks like a fish. Once shes knocked bak 10 pints she hits the dance floor like a crazed woman head swinging hips shaking (I wud use the word gyrating but it makes me feel a little bit nauseous) truly believing as Abba sings that she is 'the dancing queen.'

Also theres a crazed uncle who rushes off in the middle of the reception because he gets a call on his mobile that theres been a spotting of a rare bird (yes of the feathered variety) at the other end of the country. No1 is surprised that this man can't hold down a relationship. Rather shockingly he did marry once to Gislayne whose maiden name was Fluck. She liked her friends to call her Gizee, as in Gizee Fluck - in all seriousness! Wow, just wow.

Then theres the friend of the groom who requests Bryan Adams summer of 69 (much to the wedding DJs delight). He must have desparately wanted to be in a rock band in his youth as he head bangs & air guitars the entire way through. I am just in awe as I clutch at my head making sure its still firmly attached - if I attempt it even to a chorus in a very un-hardcore way I'd give myself a nose bleed.

Then theres the cousin who relates his entire sob story over lunch. It turns out his ex has just had a little boy but hes not sure if the baby is his. Yet he is still forking out a fortune in maintenance - a paternity test follows. . .It reads like a script of eastenders. His new woman who is sat next to him looks old enoff to be his mother & also has a ring through her nose (perhaps not so like her mother afta all) looks highly unimpressed throughout this sorry tale & looks as if she wud quite like to drill a bolt through my nose as well as I try & disguise my laugwith my napkin. Maybe she was turning her pierced nose up as it looked quite like I'd just spat something into it!

Amazing scenes

Well, hey there 2008!

So, last year the number of resolutions I kept = 0 therefore I have decided to stick to the same resolutions for this year & see if I fare any better! My progress on these resolutions may follow.

My friend & I have also come up with a new theory that how attracted we are to a guy depends on our dominant sense. For me its smell & for her its taste. It seems I have this very odd habbit of sniffing something before I try it this applies to drink, food oh & men! Experience has taught me that I am most attracted to a soapy 'I have just been washed' smell - strange but true! New year also taught me that I find the smell of beer & stale smoke also highly attractive. For my friend its how a guy tastes if you get my drift. I have to say I've never 'tasted' a guy as such maybe this is because I have never pulled a bloke tasting of anything really repugnent (good word must use this more in everyday conversation) like fish or curries or just generally really bad breath! Apparently the taste of beer makes her wanna gag. Note to men: always carry gum. Maybe my attraction to the clean smell bodes me well in this sense that I always end up with sum1 hu looks after themselves - see the senses look after the other senses uh huh. Its a theory that works for us anyway: so wots your dominant sense??

So it was a good new year definitely topping my new years to date. Having said that this is no difficult feat as last year was spent in a french ski resort bar watchin french porn on a wide screen tele (No - really!) which was quite odd as upon enetering surrounded by neon signs I thought I was in a gay bar - obviously not! Is it commonplace to play porn in bars in France? I haven't visited enough to pass judgement. It was kind of intrigueing at first I'm not gonna lie but then the cheapness started to make me feel a bit nauseous. Is it normal to get porn flash backs as well eurgh gag!

A lot of hot air

Out for a meal, you are trying to focus on the conversation going on at your table but I find my attention tends to wonder around the restaurant to other tables. Its not that the topic of conversation isnt highly stimulating (well. . .) it's just that all the other people are fascinating too! Like the awkward date going on at the table opposite in which not one word is said throughout the main course - we've all been there & its too cringy & compelling not to keep watching. Then there's the native american family to the left. No, realli the father has plaits in his beard, do people live like native american's in England? hmm interesting. Finally there's a man next to us holding a conversation with himself, that is he is talking at his partner - she is either riveted by his take on a whole manner of topics including the pay back time for solar pannels or she is bored to tears & has fallen into a silent stupour. I suspect it is the latter. Tickled as I was by one of his statements I shall share it with you.
"They say (who 'they' are I don't have the foggiest) you can't put a price on human life & yet insurance companies have already done just that. AND, ironically enough, it doesn't rise with inflation."
Well, fancy :P

The bird lady & her xmas tale of woe

On my stroll to the corner shop some mornings I pass a large middle-aged lady riding in a buggy - the poor love her legs are obviously no longer able to support her considerable weight so she has to manouvre in one of those shop mobility scooter things. So this morning I was casually glancing at the paper whilst eating my breakfast when who do I see staring back at me but the exact same lady. The story went that she had been out doing her xmas shopping and unable to carry all the bags had placed her 12lb turkey in the front basket of her scooter. On her way back down the street the sheer weight of the turkey had caused the basket to snap & the turkey to fall onto the controls of her scooter. The pressing on these buttons sent her scooter careering off the pavement & into the road into the path of the incoming traffic. It was a miracle she wasn't hurt. I shouldn't laugh but realli! Unable to contain this tale of woe I recounted it to a friend amidst a fit of giggles as she is a minor celeb around these parts with her peroxide blonde locks.

A few days later my friend calls me up only to tell me that passing that very same road in the afternoon she witnessed the event I had described being reconstructed - amazing! Were they making a documentary to raise awareness of the dangers of carrying 12lb turkeys in scooter baskets? Or maybe it was a crime watch film appealing for witnesses to this henious crime?

Overheard conversations

Let me set the scene. . .so me & a friend are travelling back from a netball game when she gets a craving for ham & sweetcorn (as you do!) so we pull over to stop at a Co-op. We collect said items & head over to the till where they are having loads of problems with the debit card swiper machines. Its all a bit chaotic & the old lady behind us is getting a bit irate muttering 'back in my day. . .' Then this quite suave looking man in a long coat (on closer inspection he is really just a bit sleazy looking - easy mistake to make!) walks in & goes over to one of cashiers & the following conversation unfolds:
Co-op girl: "Oh, you've come at a really bad time"
Sleazy bloke: "I aaaaaaaalways come at the wrong time"

The definition of innapropriate. . .

. . . discovering your parents having sex in the hot tub? Luckily it wasnt my misfortune to have happened upon this but a close friend of mines. I guess you reach a certain age when you realise its a good thing really that your parents are still enjoying a healthy sex life, but even still you don't want to find them at it!